self image
I’ve never been a shallow type of person. I’ve never turned down a friend because I thought I was better than them, and I’ve never turned down a boy because I thought he was ugly. I know its really corny, but I’ve always been the type of person to look at personality. Now I guess this could be due to the way I look at myself. Most people who look at themselves as pretty and beautiful feel like they are too good to date someone who is below them. Basically if they fit any of society’s mold of unattractiveness. I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful or anything, just decent. Maybe, its the fact that I’m not so caught up in myself that I give others a chance.
So everyone knows I was dating Jose, who is not exactly good looking. He is fat, has pimples, and not very goodlooking. But I liked him because he treated me very well. Supposedly the whole school went crazy because it was like “beauty and the beast” were dating. I think its so funny that people would think that, when I didn’t even think of myself in that way. My best friend on the other hand is very conceited and feels she is to good to date any guy n. She feels like she is beautiful and that she has the best body, and that all the guys she dates are cuties. And I laugh because from what I heard people think that she looks ugly, is anorexic looking, and from my perspective her bfs aren’t all that cute, and instead midly retarted. The point I’m trying to make here is that I think its funny how one person will view themselves and how everyone else looks at them.
So what can I make of my own self image over the years? I once felt like the ugly duckling, which I was during my middle school years. Me at age 12 was something ugly. But I think at 15 was when I really started looking better and coming out of my shell. Now I’m okay with my personal image, nothing great. I go to school with a bunch of blond haired rich OC girls, so its hard to compare myself. I’m a black/asian girl who comes from east oakland, so of course I don’t fit the beauty standards of my school. Maybe I don’t have any standards of boys because I don’t know where to start. I know I hate cocky boys and douchebags, thats a given. But going to a school where I feel like an exotic butterfly, makes me feel like there is no point in ever pursing a guy.
I guess the reason I haven’t believed in myself is due to people putting me down. People telling im too skinny, then when I gain weight people telling me I’m too fat. And people always have the ability to talk themselves up. Then I’ve noticed, hey why are people telling me this? They obviously don’t feel good about themselves. I’ve noticed the girl who told me I was too skinny, was a lot larger than me. And the girl who told me I was too fat, was a lot thinner than me. If they felt good about their bodies, why would they have to make a comment on mine?
I guess the point of this entry is to explore a topic I never really go into depth, but yet I deal with just like any other human being. I just feel that now more than ever I’m going to have to face this issue, especially if I want to break up with Jose.
Americas bday
So I’ve spent my fourth of july watching ANTM reruns and working on homework. Yea, I could look down at it but I really dont feel so bad about it. I keep reminding myself “Do good in your classes so you can get into pharmacy school!”
Even though I have four years left before I even apply to pharmacy school, its all I think about. Must get good grades, must volunteer at the hospital, must volunteer elsewhere, must be a leader of a club. Its basically a whole process. I really would love to go to USC, its my dream school. They have little profiles about some of their students/faculty. And I read about one guy who went to san diego state and who started his own company while he was there to pay for his tuition. The people at USC pharm school are amazing.
Speaking of money I need to figure out ways to bring in extra income every month. Even though I should be working more hours this year than I did last, money is always tight and it would be nice to bring in anything extra. I don’t want to get another job, because of course that would take away time from studying. But something!
